Gym Wear

The sun is out in DC.  And with its toasty rays, Washingtonians are peeling off their winter layers, revealing torsos and limbs hidden for the past several months.

Driving down 23rd St on one of these newly warm days, I spotted one misguided chick wearing a brightly clashing floral-print strappy balloon top and hot pants, anchored by black leather platform sandals.  (And a garish amount of blush that doubled for a traffic light at the same intersection, but I digress).  As awful as Ms. Flower Power looked, she did have the figure and long gams to pull off the daring silhouette.  I can’t say that for another young “lady” I saw two days later in Shirlington sporting a similar ensemble.  She could have used a balloon top to cover the gut that protruded out of her tight black top and over the waistband of her fourth grade shorts. (Ouch!)

Thankfully, Washington women are a bit more body conscious than that.  The DC metro area is home to over 300 gyms that are packed with guys and gals who want to look better in both their business and birthday suits.  Yet, some of these fit folks forget their fashion sense when they walk through the gym doors.  Long gone are the leotards from the “Let’s Get Physical” days.  But there are still plenty of fitness fashion flubs today that can make you trip on your treadmill.

So here are – in no particular order – the worst workout wares that should be “exercised” from the gym.

Waist not, want not –  First, folded over /rolled up waist bands.  Why would anyone consciously create a tire of material around their middle?  Aren’t you at the gym to slim your waistline, not add to it?  If it’s to make your bottoms snugger, buy a smaller size or get it altered.  If it’s to show off your waist, buy a low-waisted bottom (above the crack, thank you).  Second, why the shirts and jackets tied around the waist?  You do realize you’re actually enlarging and bringing attention to the area you want to cover up?  Don’t you?  I’ll wait ‘til you un-snag yourself from the elliptical for an answer.

Skorting the issue – I don’t get workout skirts.  It’s ironic how girls who wear pants all day – because wearing a skirt at an office desk is uncomfortable – would wear a skirt for physical aerobic activity.  And you still have to wear shorts under the skirts anway.  At least the skirt I wore while playing high school tennis had useful sports underwear that had special (loading from the bottom) pockets to hold tennis balls.  Unless you’re headed to Wimbledon, forget about the skort resurgence.

Skin? Not so in – I’m the first to admit to eyeing the shirtless hotties jogging around the city in warm weather.  But there are limits to how much one should dare to bare.  A low waist or neckline is innocent…until you bend over.  Smaller shorts and tops can leave some folks “hanging” or double as in-gym adult entertainment.  And a good mirror will usually show you what you’re showing the world when you‘re sporting prosciutto-thin sports fabrics. (Please never let Worn-Through-Lycra-Shorts Man sit in front of me in spinning again!)  When it comes to gym clothes, beware of too low, too little, and too thin.

Richard Simmons, this means you – The body builders with the baggy, neon animal stripe pants.  The sorority chick wearing her “retro-chic” legwarmers.  The older woman who wore out her Jane Fonda tapes, sporting pantyhose under her shorts.  The older guy in the ‘80’s running shorts – and nothing else.  Multiple sweatbands (okay for Michael Cera in Juno, not okay for you).  If it’s seen on a VH1 nostalgia show, we don’t need to see it at the gym.  Even Olivia Newton John would grimace.

Cougar Barbie and Mid-Life Crisis Ken sold separately – Several weeks ago, a woman in her ‘50’s walked into my spin class.  Her brassy-blond streaked hair was styled down around her fully made up face.  Her bedazzled blue tie-dyed top had matching bottoms.  Her fully displayed cleavage boasted several gold chains that coordinated with her bracelets and rings.  And when the sun hit her just right, it caused enough glare to almost block her overhanging belly.  I have also seen her male counterpart in the same class.  He sports his latest REI purchases: the logo-emblazoned mock turtleneck biking jersey with matching indoor performance cycling shorts (padding included).  His legs are spindly, but his waistline measurement equals his age. And on his wrist he encourages all around him to “Live Strong”.   I hope they will soon meet and live happily ever after. Outside my spin class.

Casual Friday Workouts –  While I agree that denim is a multi-functional fabric, jeans aren’t the best choice for a brisk go on the treadmill.  You know what else doesn’t go well at the gym? Cargo pants; capri pants; polo shirts; golf shirts; Birkenstocks; Tevas and boots.  If you can spend upwards of $60/month for the gym, you can afford $9.99 workout separates at Marshall’s and $19.99 sneakers at Payless. (Value Note: My $7.99 Target tops have outlasted my UnderArmour.)  But if you’re still confused, here’s a simple rule: If you wore it to work, don’t wear it to work out.

Matching purse not available – When it came to accessories, CoCo Chanel said, “Always remove, never add.”  I would extend her sentiment to the gym.  Some items are useful, like water bottles, music players, armbands, lifting gloves and belts.  But long earrings smack against the face.  Bright lipstick and heavy eyeliner smear and drip on a sweaty face.  Perfume and cologne exacerbate, not cover, body odor.  And while Corey Hart may have worn his sunglasses at night, he never wore them at the gym. (That means you, mirror-lensed-aviators guy at Ballston Gold’s who clenches his iPod cord in his teeth while ferociously jumping rope).  CoCo says remove, remove, remove!

Renaissance Training – I’ve only seen this twice.  But it may be the Most. Memorable. Gym. Outfit. Ever.  Several years ago, I went to my (then) regular step class at the Bailey’s Crossroads Gold’s Gym.  The whole room stopped when a man in a black and yellow unitard walked in and set up his step and risers.  You heard me.  A bumble bee wrestling unitard.  It gets better. He then rose and turned around to reveal (drumroll, please)…a cod piece!  Not a cup.  A. Cod. Piece.  With every choreographed move, he lept up and jutted out his pelvis for the whole world to admire.  But it was more to our astonishment.  The Cod Man returned the following week for an even grander display, but after that, we never saw him or his outfit again.  Sigh.